would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
