Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
