"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just blew my weed a kiss
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Randomize
