Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
