I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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