I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
