I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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