last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
