i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
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just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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