So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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