I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
