I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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