she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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