I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
