Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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