Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
