doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
