I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You made out with two different species that night
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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