youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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