She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
