i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.