Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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