You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
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That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
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I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
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Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel