I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
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so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
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Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife