u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
