babies were throwing up all over the place
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
