Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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