o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
