someone threw a dead crab at me
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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