Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
