You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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