We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
