Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
