Are we in a gay sports bar?
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
