I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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