i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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