I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
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i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
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i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.