Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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