you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
the evidence from last night is not good...
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.