So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle