do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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