well I can't set my house on fire every night
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
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Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
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He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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