I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
