Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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