made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
