So drunk, too bad you don't want this
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
