I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
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