I just cut my nipple shaving
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
