If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
