Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
