Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
