is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
