we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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