I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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