im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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