Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
