He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Drake has all the answers
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
