Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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