so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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